


Saving Yourself

by James Ether (badmoonbai)



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Episode: s01e08 The Larson's Dog, Fluff, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, I repeat, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Main Character Death, Man of my life, Mental Instability, Motocross, Regretful Lukas, Undertones of mental illness, apparently 'hospital sex' is a popular tag u sick-o's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9289076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badmoonbai/pseuds/James%20Ether
Summary: (Very much the literaturized™ version of EP08 [The Larsons' Dog]) In which Lukas realizes how hurtful he has been towards Philip, only all too late. Lukas now has an FBI detail, but no one knows that Philip was at the cabin that night too--except for the killer. While Lukas laments over the fact that he's been a shitty boyfriend, Philip is left unprotected.





	1. The End of Normalcy

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I regret everything, I just really like to abuse my favorite characters. Personally, I felt like Philip should have been the one to have been hurt by Kane because Lukas needed to come to his senses about what a moron he was being. Naturally, I wrote it all out.
> 
> Full disclosure, this is the first fanfiction (or the first /anything/, really) that I've ever completed.
> 
> I hate self-promotion (and I'm frankly very upset with the new 8tracks policy at the moment) but you have one free hour of music on there each week and I highly suggest you spend it listening to my Philip/Lukas playlist while you read. It was made as a kind of bridge between the show's soundtrack/aesthetic and what I imagined Philip's playlist to sound like. Link below.
> 
> Please enjoy.
> 
> https://8tracks.com/baileyerin97/man-of-my-life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been receiving comments regarding the major character death. To clarify--it is a /major/ character death. I thought that tag would be enough of a warning, but in case it was not clear enough, the death /is one of the main characters/ ('main characters' meaning Philip and/or Lukas).
> 
> As a member of the LGBT+ community myself, I am well aware of the overused and rather abusive habit of killing off any and all LGBT characters in recent media. I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING OR CONDONING THIS MEDIA PORTRAYAL. It's frustrating and insulting and quite frankly the most hurtful form of queerbaiting. My writing does not aim to carry this trope at all. In much of my writing I find myself fighting the urge to kill off a main character because I feel like it brings out the raw emotion and honest reaction of those who surround them in the story. That kind of characterization is important to me.
> 
> I apologize if 'dead gays' is upsetting or triggering in any way to you as an individual reader. To upset you was not my intention.

Lukas had to admit that Philip had been right. As much as he hated to admit it (and with full understanding that he would never say it to him aloud, he knew the little shit would give Lukas an award-winning smirk and never let him live down such an admission), a weight as heavy as the universe itself had been lifted off his shoulders after telling Helen about what they had seen at the cabin.   
  
There was still an uneasy stone settled in the pit of his stomach, the knowledge that he would eventually have to tell the complete truth… to face the fact that he was… into… Philip. He wasn’t ready for the judgment from others that would undoubtedly follow such a blunt truth, however, and so he decided he would keep this smaller, more innocent secret to himself for just a bit longer.   
  
Although he didn’t feel comfortable showing his affection for Philip publicly, Lukas had found ways to keep him close at all hours. He felt a certain emptiness seeing Philip and knowing that it would be up to him, Lukas, to determine when PDA would be a possibility. In the meantime, he contented himself with small things. A Polaroid taped to the back cover of his chemistry textbook. A ‘lucky’ Converse shoestring jokingly wrapped around the handle of Lukas’ bike. A saved voicemail asking about weekend plans. A playlist of carefully and thoughtfully selected songs, each one waiting for its own story.   
  
Currently, Lukas crossed the hall from the bathroom to his bedroom, feeling refreshed and clean, inside and out, after showering away the stress he’d been carrying for so long. He dressed in just a pair of jeans and a white shirt, one he typically reserved for days he didn’t plan on riding so as to keep it clean, but he felt a strange urge to dress as clean as he felt. Lukas couldn’t wait to talk to Philip about anything other than that night at the cabin. He wanted to look good.   
  
Lukas grabbed his headphones off his bedside table, rested them around his neck, and plugged the cord into his phone. As he walked downstairs, his head was buried in his phone as he pulled up Philip’s hour-long playlist, ready to give it a listen for the 32nd time (he felt stupid for counting, but he had done stupider things in his life) since Philip had shared it with him two nights before.   
  
He reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to head into the kitchen when out of the corner of his eye a small movement made him stop. Sheriff Torrance was seated beside his father on the couch in the den. The blinds were closed. The house was dark.   
  
Bo Waldenbeck pointed to a kitchen chair that had been pulled across from them. “Could you sit down, son?”   
  
Lukas’ stomach dropped. _He knows._ Philip had promised that Helen wouldn’t tell anyone when he had come out to her and Gabe. He had _promised_ that Lukas’ father would not find out. And now, looking at the stern look on Bo’s face and Helen’s stiff, formal posture, his mind was flooded with a feeling of panic and betrayal. _Play dumb_ , he thought to himself, _deny everything._   
  
Lukas swallowed hard. “Sure, dad… What’s going on?” he tried his best to keep his voice from wavering. It didn’t help when his dad didn’t respond, but only pointed at the chair a second time. Lukas closed the distance and sat. He wasn’t sure who to look at. He found himself staring at his father, trying to read his expression even when Helen was speaking to him.   
  
“Lukas… I think you identified the wrong suspect.”   
  
A secondary jump in the pit of his stomach that made Lukas’ heart race. There was the sensation of relief, _his secret was still safe_ , but just when he had thought all of this talk of the triple homicide would be over and done with, Helen was right back at it, making things difficult. Suddenly, Lukas felt as if he were covered in swamp water, just as he had felt for the last several weeks.   
  
“Well… what do you mean? Why?” Lukas said almost defensively.   
  
“Because that suspect is dead.”   
  
Lukas looked from his dad to Helen, and back again. “So?”   
  
Helen’s gaze, however, did not waver. “We have reason to believe the man you saw is… still alive.”   
  
If his heart beat any faster Lukas was sure it would jump out of his chest. If this was true… If Helen wasn’t being paranoid and the killer was still alive…    
  
_ We’re not safe. _   
  
“Somebody is out there…?” Lukas’ father spoke the words Lukas had been fearing since the moment Philip had tried to tell him that only three bodies had been found in the cabin.    
  
__ “Hey, Helen said she found three bodies in the cabin.”   
“Wait, you told Helen?”   
“Wait, what? No no no. Listen to me. There were four guys in the cabin, right?”   
“Yeah, so?”   
“Yeah, so then why did Helen only find three bodies?”   
A voice from down the hall calling out to Lukas, asking about his ‘new friend’.   
“Get out of here.”   
“What if somebody survived? Lukas, listen to me, alright?”   
An overwhelming panic, a last ditch effort to save his image, Lukas pulled back, wound up, and wielded a fist right at Philip’s—   
  
_ S t o p. _   
  
Lukas can’t bring himself to recall hitting Philip. His Philip.   
  
“But everything’s gonna be okay,” Helen’s voice made Lukas look up. He hadn’t realized his eyes had drifted to his lap. “We’re gonna get you an FBI detail.”   
  
“The FBI?” Lukas asked, trying to make it look as if he’d been following the whole time. If anyone needed an FBI detail, it was Philip. The killer had _seen_ him, followed his jacket, killed Tommy under the impression that he had silenced a witness. If he ever found out Philip was still alive…   
  


* * *

 

  
“It’s for his protection.”   
  
Philip fought to swallow the bile that threatened to rise in his esophagus. “W-why? Is the guy after Lukas now?”   
  
Gabe nodded his head in an in-between sort of manner. “Well they’re not sure but they want to air on the side of caution.” Seeing the dark crease in Philip’s brow, Gabe added, “Trust me, they’ll keep him safe.”   
  
“’Kay, but how do you know that?” Philip didn’t miss a beat.   
  
Gabe sighed and prayed for patience. He had to remind himself that Philip’s concern was all good intention, that he should be happy his foster son was showing so much attachment to a boy in a town that was supposed to be temporary. “Look, if Lukas were out there alone, I’d be worried.”   
  
Philip looked skeptical. “But what if he is alone?”   
  
“No, he’s not. Helen and Tony are gonna be with him until the FBI shows up.”   
  
“Yeah, okay, and then, um… what if the guy gets past them?”   
  
“The FBI is gonna stay close to Lukas. There is no way that guy is gonna get anywhere near him.” With that, Gabe gave Philip a knowing look, grabbed his keys off the kitchen table, and got up, leaving Philip alone at the kitchen table, still lost in thought.   
  
Philip seemed to come to and realize that Gabe was leaving. With a sudden burst of anxiety of an unknown origin, he jumped up from his seat, making Gabe turn around curiously. “Hey, um… Where’re you going?”   
  
“I’m goin’ over to the Larsons’, they’re not picking up. I need to see what they want me to do with the dog’s remains.”   
  
Trying to play off his outburst and simultaneously hide his growing fear, Philip swallowed the excess saliva in his mouth. “How long are you gonna be gone for?” He asked as casually as possible.   
  
“Not long,” Gabe assured him, watching Philip’s nonchalant nod in return. “Hey… you wanna come with me?”   
  
“Oh, no, I’m good. I’m good.” Philip replied a bit too fast for Gabe to believe his relaxed façade. The weak waving motion of his hand didn’t help his act much either. Gabe walked out of the house smirking.   
  
Philip sat back down at the kitchen table, busying his fingers by trailing them along the wood grain under his legs, but it wasn’t enough to distract his mind. When the screen door slammed behind Gabe, he felt his heart leap to his throat and in the back of his mind he relived the three gunshots heard from under a futon while his bare chest pressed into the cold floor of the cabin.

 

* * *

  
“Is this guy after me?”   
  
Helen was looking at Lukas with something almost like pity. He hated it. “We’re not sure, but it’s always best to be careful.”   
  
“Wait, is… is he gonna be able to practice?” Bo interjected. The look Helen gave him was much less apologetic, but she quickly resituated her gaze on Lukas rather than his father.   
  
“We need to take every precaution until we’ve got the right guy in custody. The FBI is sending someone for protection, but in the meantime you’ll have to stay inside the house so that my partner and I can keep an eye on things.”   
  
Lukas’ mind was going haywire. He couldn’t focus on any one thing the Sheriff was telling him. The only person he’d ever talked to about any of this stuff was Philip. Philip was the only one who understood. Instinctively, Lukas reached for his phone and opened up a new text.   
  
“Lukas…” he looked up to see Helen reaching for his hand. No, not his hand—his phone. “The FBI asked that we keep you off your phone for now.”   
  
Reluctantly, he unplugged his headphones and handed it over to her, making sure to lock it first. “So what am I supposed to do?” His eyes searched from his father to the Sheriff, but when neither had any answer for him, he felt his frustration peak. Without another word, he got up from his seat and stormed away, retreating back up the stairs. He heard Helen apologize behind him, but he didn’t care enough to reply. No matter how ‘safe’ he was, he’d just lost his only contact with Philip.   
  
Now, with the messy knowledge that had just been fed back into his head, he was Atlas once again: a weight too burdensome to bear pushing him into the earth until he would eventually sink and disappear. At this point, Lukas was just waiting for whatever sweet relief would come after his head was finally completely submerged.   
  
Downstairs, Helen stood awkwardly listening to Lukas’ rapidly retreating footsteps and tried not to notice when Bo pushed past her a bit more abrasively than necessary. Once again she was stuck feeling as if the whole situation was her fault when she had only been doing her job. Lukas’ phone vibrated in her hand and out of habit she looked down to see the notification.   
  
A text from Philip. An image of a Polaroid taken in the dark of the barn; Philip’s lanky arm extending from the camera; Lukas’ arms wrapped around him, pulling him in for a posed kiss. A text followed the image: _‘u okay?  miss you!’_   
  
Helen felt her heart sink to the lowest depths possible. I’m going to hell, she thought to herself. She went to sit on the porch outside where, ironically, she felt less of an outsider.


	2. The Start of the Spiral

When Lukas didn’t reply to his text, Philip felt his slow spiral of anxiety turn into a rapid tailspin of a panic attack. It had been months since he’d experienced an attack so quickly, which was odd considering all that had happened. He had not had to calm himself down since moving in with Helen and Gabe—this was a first. He could feel his throat closing up—he had to act fast.

When he stood up from the table, Philip’s hip lifted the edge, knocking over a glass of water and clattering the salt and pepper shakers. He barely felt the pain as he stumbled from the kitchen to the back door. He locked it and drew the shade, then quickly made his way to the front door, which he double-locked as well, securing the deadbolt in place. Philip ensured every entrance, exit, or otherwise stated passageway through the house was blocked or locked before darting back to the kitchen, his socks sliding on the hardwood floor.

Desperately, Philip selected a 2-quart saucepan from the drying wrack and placed it over the drain in the sink. He turned on the water as high as the pressure would go and waited for the pot to fill and begin to overflow. At the all-too-familiar sound of the water spilling over and running freely, at last he felt the fist around his throat loosen. Weakly, he fell into a chair and let his elbows rest on the kitchen table, his face in his hands.

A wave of nausea was threatening to overcome him and he rubbed the back of his neck furiously in an attempt to make it subside. Tears were on the verge of spilling over. Deep breaths were about to become choking sobs. In frustration and fear, Philip closed his eyes and did all he had ever learned to do when living in the city: wait for the worst to be over.

 

* * *

 

The morning after having his phone confiscated, Lukas didn’t bother showering. He knew it wouldn’t make him feel any better. Plus, he couldn’t go riding the day before and hadn’t gotten sweaty or dirty, so there was really no point anyway.

He went downstairs and joined his father at the kitchen table. Bo said nothing when he walked in, nor when he sat down, so Lukas figured he would just keep the trend going. Without a word, he poured himself a bowl of cereal and began to dig in, without much of an appetite.

“You know what that means to me?” Lukas’ dad said without any preface. He motioned to the old pocket watch that was sitting arbitrarily on the table between the two of them. _11:48_.

“Yeah, I know. It’s been in the family forever,” Lukas still did not make eye contact. _11:48._ He wondered why his dad didn’t have the battery replaced if the damned thing meant so much to him.

“Yep. Got a lot of us through some tough times and now it’s gonna… keep you safe. With everything that’s going on. So I want you to have that.”

Lukas froze as his dad pushed the watch across the table towards him. After a moment, he continued chewing his mouthful of cereal. Unsure of how to respond to such a sentimental gesture from his normally stoic father, he chose not to instead.

“Is Helen taking me to school?”

He could feel his father’s eyes burning into him, most likely taken aback with his lack of emotional response, but it was how he was raised after all. Like father, like son.

There was the sound of tires on gravel pulling up to the house as an old Ford idled for a moment and then parked behind Sherriff Torrance’s Jeep. A few car doors slammed and there was conversation between Helen and the newcomer. In the kitchen, both Lukas and Bo sat in silence.

Lukas could sense that his father was about to say something else, so when he put down his paper and inhaled Lukas quickly got up from the table and went to put his bowl in the sink. He’d rather not get into it with his dad at the moment and he was eager to get to school and see Philip before his friends got there.

He made his way to the front door, but Bo beat him to it, giving his son another stern look before opening the door and heading out onto the front porch. Lukas followed him at a safe distance. He saw Helen pull away from her conversation with who he supposed was his FBI detail.

“Hi,” she called out to him. “I’m Agent Kamilah Davis.”

Lukas watched her carefully, trying to get a read. He blamed recent events for his fast developing trust issues, but she seemed to be legitimate enough. When he didn’t respond, Agent Davis probed. “I guess you’re Lukas?”

Lukas felt himself nod. He could still feel his dad’s gaze boring into him. “Yeah,” he managed to reply.

The Sherriff and the Agent exchanged a look before the former nodded to Bo and retreated to her Jeep. The latter tucked her phone into her jacket pocked and jerked her head to the truck. “You got your stuff? I can take you to school now if you’re ready.”

Lukas nodded again and stumbled back up the steps into the house to grab his bag.

On the ride with Kamilah, she offered to let him choose the music, but Lukas had no real music taste of his own. He had slowly been adopting whatever Philip had put onto his playlist, but Lukas was so ignorant he wouldn’t even know what to call it, so he passed up the offer. They ended up listening to what sounded like an 80s hair band.

Once they had arrived at the school, Kamilah parked the truck on the opposite side of the road from the front doors. Lukas thanked her and went to get out when she stopped him by putting a hand on his arm. It was a softer touch than he would have expected—she had a harsh look about her.

“I know this sucks… It’s especially hard when you don’t have a phone to stay in touch with people… outside of it all. I know this isn’t much consolation, but…” Kamilah reached into the back seat of the truck and pulled out a plastic bag, out of which she brought a cheap disposable pay-per flip phone.

“It’s a burner, so no internet access, no LTE, no nothing, really…” she looked up to see Lukas raising his eyebrows disbelievingly at her. “I know. It’s no consolation at all. But—“ she flipped it open almost comically and Lukas fought the urge to roll his eyes, “—if you press this button, it activates an alarm. This thing is going to act as your tracker. If you ever need me, just press this button and I’ll be there faster than you could ever call me.”

Lukas considered this. Finally, he nodded and took the phone from her, slipping it into his pocket. Looking past her, out the truck window, he could see Philip not far from the bike rack, kicking at a tuft of grass almost too intently. Lukas almost smiled.

“Thank you,” he told Kamilah. She nodded, her eyes sincere. Lukas exited the truck and Kamilah started it back up to circle around the school and repark.

Lukas walked across the street and came up on Philip from behind. He scanned the area for any familiar faces before reaching out and running his fingers through the back of Philip’s hair. It was meant to be a friendly surprise, a ‘hello baby I’m sorry I never replied to your text but I’ve been worried sick’. Instead, Philip jumped out of his skin, twitching away from the touch and tripping over his own feet trying to turn around and backpedal away from Lukas at the same time.

Lukas caught Philip’s wrist before he could fall. “Whoa, chill. It’s me, man.” Lukas actually allowed himself to smile this time.

“Fucking hell, Lukas. Give me an aneurism, why don’t you?” Philip gasped, grabbing Lukas’ hand on his wrist.

“Don’t joke about that,” Lukas frowned, looking down at their hands stacked on top of one another. With another sweeping look, he pulled his hands away from Philip’s. He could feel the hurt radiating from the boy, but Lukas kept his eyes down and ignored it.

“I heard you got some bodyguard now?” Philip asked to change the subject.

“Well they gave me this lame phone. It doesn’t text but it’s got a tracker so if I see anything weird, I just hit this button and—and that FBI lady is over here in a flash.”

Philip’s eyes had been on Lukas’ the entire time he had been talking, but at the mention of the FBI, he craned his neck around Lukas in order to try and catch a glimpse of her. “Okay, well…” his deep brown eyes were back on Lukas. “What about me, Lukas? I mean, he saw me too. What am I supposed to do…”

But the rest of whatever Philip was saying was lost, drowned out by the white noise of the paranoia in Lukas’ mind. _That guy…he’s gonna kill me… kill me… he’s gonna—_

“Are you even listening to me?” Lukas snapped back to reality. Philip’s beautifully delicate face was traced with anxiety, something he hated to see in the boy he… _No._

“What am I supposed to do?” Philip asked again.

Lukas fought to control his breathing. “As long as you’re… as long as you just stay by me and Helen, you’re safe.”

“What about at school?” Philip shot. Lukas felt a stab of guilt. Philip was alone at school. Every day.

Swallowing his pride, Lukas looked Philip dead in the eye. “What about it? I’m right here.”

“So…” Philip started, and Lukas gritted his teeth. Philip was about to call his bluff. “We can hang out here. Around your friends.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Lukas assured without hesitation.

Philip’s eyes were searching him. There was something old and all knowing about his gaze, but Lukas didn’t feel as if his last words were a lie. If it was to protect Philip, there was no better time to start introducing him to his friends.

“Alright,” Philip said at last. “Just give me a minute.” He retrieved his bike from the ground and began to walk it over to the bike rack. Lukas watched him go before turning around to check that Agent Davis was still there one last time before entering the school.

 _Bad idea._ The rush of cars on either side of the two way street made Lukas’ heart race. _There are so many people… He could be any of them… Any of them… Make it stop… stop…._

A vaguely familiar face in open window on a dark sedan. Those eyes… they locked with Lukas’ and his blood froze in his veins. Time slowed down.

_The cast iron skilled was cold and heavy in his hands, but Lukas’ arms were numb to the weight as he lifted it above his head for a second time and brought it down hard. He heard the metallic ring of the contact with the man’s skull. Philip was frozen under the cot, his knuckles white as he clutched his jacket, his mouth open in a wordless exclamation. Lukas looked down at the man, his eyes still open. His eyes…_

Lukas blanched. He couldn’t swallow. His vision blurred. His fingers fumbled in his pockets for the burner phone, searching three empty ones before finally finding it in his back left, _always the last one I check_ , he thought distantly.

The phone flipped open with ironic ease. Lukas’ numb finger found the activation button. Pressed it. Waited.

A buffering symbol. Only a moment. _Tracker activated._

Kamilah sprinted across the street.


	3. City Kids

When Philip had returned to the spot he had left Lukas, a tall woman in a leather jacket and, most notably, with a gun in her hand, had Lukas by the shoulders and was desperately trying to get him to speak to her. Lukas, on the other hand, looked pallid, his eyes wide, his lower lip trembling.

Concerned, Philip had tried to interject himself between Lukas and the woman, but she easily pushed him away. She placed a hand on Lukas’ back and began directing him towards the truck Lukas had pointed out just a few minutes earlier.

Philip had no choice but to watch them go. He wanted to scream, throw something, anything. He was in just as much danger as Lukas, but no one knew. Just the fact that Lukas was being taken away by what Philip assumed was his FBI detail meant that something had happened that had threatened his safety. That meant that Philip wasn’t safe here either.

Gritting his teeth, Philip made the split decision to go home and hide away in his room until the school day had ended. He turned and walked over to unlock his bike. As he was kneeling, he looked up and scanned the street. Lukas and the woman were already long gone. In fact… everyone was gone. The schoolyard had cleared out, all of the kids having gone inside to make it to class before the first bell. The area was unusually still…quiet—unnervingly so.

Philip swallowed, his hand on the latch to his bike lock. It was a seven-mile ride to Helen and Gabe’s. A half an hour. Twenty minutes if he really booked it. Twenty minutes of no one knowing where he was, no one to see if anything happened to him…

Philip stood up so quickly he went lightheaded. Adjusting the strap of his bag, he turned and sped-walked into the school, looking over his shoulder as the door closed behind him.

A man in a dark sedan started his car and rolled away from Red Hook High.

 

* * *

 

“So you really saw the guy?” Philip asked, bumping Lukas nervously as they sauntered across the plank way into the barn.

Lukas looked up from the burner phone in his hands. He had used his father’s phone to text Philip halfway through the school day to update him on what had happened, but when he didn’t reply to Philip’s questions, he had assumed Lukas had gotten caught.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

The poor kid still seemed shaken. Apparently he had gone mute in the hour following his ‘rescue’ by Agent Davis.

“Well, what happens when they find out that you didn’t actually see him?”

“Why are you stressing me out?” Lukas interrupted.

“I don’t mean to. It’s just—“

“And why are you whispering?”

Philip looked as if he could slap Lukas upside the head. He scanned the yard outside of the barn. Lukas followed his gaze, but Helen was at the Sheriff’s office and Gabe was still inside the house.

“Because maybe it’s wired,” Philip whispered, nodding down at the phone still in Lukas’ hand.

Admittedly, Lukas hadn’t considered that to be a possibility. Shocked, he held the phone up and pointed in question. Philip nodded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. _City kids_ , Lukas thought subconsciously. “They didn’t say that,” Lukas countered, but even so he found himself whispering now.

“Yeah, probably ‘cause they don’t wanna freak you out,” Philip was still nervously looking back and forth between Lukas and the barn door.

“Really? Why?”

Philip hated to say what he was about to. “They probably want to hear if you’re being attacked.”

Lukas looked up at him and the fear in his eyes nearly broke Philip’s heart. It was almost as if Lukas were pleading with him to take it back, that it wasn’t true, that there was no way that could ever happen.

“I don’t know. Give it a try. Say something,” Philip said, as if a test-run would be proof enough that the FBI didn’t think the situation serious enough to plant a wire.

“Like what?”

“Anything. Just—something,” Philip pressed.

Lukas looked down at the phone and swallowed hard. When he looked back at Philip, however, something in his eyes changed. There was a playful glint, the light of a practical joke dancing through them and across his face, an expression Philip hadn’t seen for a while.

“Philip’s obsessed with me,” Lukas whined into the phone. Philip closed his eyes and did his best to suppress a smile, but he felt Lukas’ hand on his arm as he continued on with his faux SOS. “Help! He’s attacking me! No, wait… wait, Philip was the cabin shooter!”

Taking his lowered guard for granted, Philip suddenly reached out and grabbed the phone from Lukas’ hand and cupped it up to his mouth. “Lukas likes dicks!” Philip ducked away from Lukas’ grab and began to run deeper into the barn to avoid capture.

Philip could hear Lukas laughing behind him and turned to see him out of the corner of his eye, but upon doing so he tripped over his own feet, giving Lukas an opportunity to tackle him to the ground around the waist.

Lukas straddled Philip and kneeled over him, kissing him once their faces were level. Philip had been waiting for a moment free of anxiety and with enough privacy to be so close to Lukas for a week. He placed his hands on the boy’s chest and rose to meet Lukas’ lips halfway. Lukas pulled away for just a moment, long enough to grab the phone off Philip’s chest, toss it away, and the two were back together as if melding into one wouldn’t be close enough.

Lukas’ breath was hot and Philip was weak. But the nagging at the back of his mind, the same voice that reminded him that while Lukas was safe, Philip himself still had no protection, had no end. He hated himself for being the one to bring reality back into their barn sanctuary.

“Wait,” Philip breathed, but when Lukas’ kisses did not let up, he tried being more persistent. “Wait, wait, wait.”

“What?” Lukas said, almost impatiently.

“What if that guy is… really out there looking for us?” Lukas saw Philip’s eyes dart to the barn door yet again.

“No one can find us here,” Lukas assured him.

“How do you know?” Philip sounded as if he really wanted to believe.

Lukas stared at Philip for a moment. If Lukas could do one thing, only one thing successfully in his speck of a life, it would be to save Philip from his worry, to take all of his stress, to give him just a second of relief. “How do I know? ‘Cause that—only that FBI lady knows where we are, remember?” Lukas said, trying to hide his emotion with exasperation. He softened with the last word, lowering his nose to touch with Philip’s.

Philip still looked anxious, but the brief contact seemed to refuel his desire for Lukas’ touch. “Yeah. Okay.”

Lukas kissed him again. Short and fast. A taste. Philip’s lips welcomed him.


	4. What You Deserve

“We should go back to the house,” Philip said softly. He felt Lukas’ arm tighten around him slightly and his chest tightened under Philip’s cheek.

“Ten more minutes.”

“Gabe and Helen are going to come looking for us. If they haven’t already started,” Philip added, but neither of them moved. _Cherry Wine_ played from the playlist on Philip’s phone, muffled by hay.

Philip wanted this moment to last because it was a rare moment that Lukas was as open and willing as he had been for the last few hours. Philip craved his touch for days on end and could never get enough in the short periods of time when they found themselves alone.

Lukas wanted this moment to last because it was a rare moment that he could be himself, completely and utterly, honestly Lukas. It went without saying that he loathed himself every day for putting his own image before the boy he… loved. Because he did. Love him. Philip.

“I’m sorry,” Lukas whispered.

“Don’t be, they don’t really mind when I come home late. Most of the time they just assume I’m with you. Which I am, so—“

“Not for that,” Lukas cut him off. Philip was normally soft-spoken, but after a few hours with Lukas he tended to open up and get into the habit of rambling. Lukas loved it. He loved him.

“I’m sorry I’ve treated you like shit. For so long, I…”

“Lukas, don’t—“ Philip started to raise his head but Lukas moved his hand from Philip’s shoulder to his temple and gently pushed his head back onto his chest.

“No, it’s not right. It’s not fair. At school, in front of everyone, I treat you like you’re nothing, I push you away when this whole time I could have been… with you.”

Philip was quiet. Lukas couldn’t see his eyes. “I’m sorry. After all of this is over… after that guy is caught and we’re in the clear…” Lukas absently plucked straws of hay out of Philip’s hair before carding his fingers through the mussed curls. “I’m just… sorry.”

“Would you stop apologizing? I… I get it. I understand. Things are… different out here,” Philip’s voice was barely audible in the silent barn.

“You deserve better.”

When Philip said nothing, Lukas closed his eyes. _You’re right, I do,_ he could just imagine hearing Philip say those words. He would get up right here and now, take his phone and delete their playlist, walk out of their barn, leaving Lukas there in the dark. He would never again wrap his arms around Lukas’ waist and clasp his hands right at his naval on the back of his bike, Lukas would never again feel his weight pull back on his torso as he accelerated, and they would never again lay together in darkness and in silence and feel like everything that needed to be said had been said with just a touch.

“I deserve you.”

Lukas’ eyes opened.

“I deserve you when I need you most. I deserve you like this, the real you, all hours of the day. I deserve to be able to come to you with anything and trust that you won’t push me away.”

Philip turned his head so that his eyes met Lukas’. “You’re not a bad person, Lukas. You just… handle shit badly. That doesn’t mean there’s someone out there who’s better than you that I deserve more. There’s no one I want more than you.”

Lukas brushed Philip’s hair out of his eyes but said nothing.

“I know you can’t take back all the shit you’ve put me through, but it’s behind us. Consider it forgotten, okay? I think we’ve got more pressing issues at the moment anyway,” Philip mumbled, eyeing the disposable cell phone a few feet away.

Lukas cleared his throat and scrunched a handful of Philip’s hair. “It’s getting dark. Let’s head out.”

A weight was lifted off Lukas’ chest as Philip rose, but the resulting feeling was an empty one. He watched as Philip stood, picked up his phone, and turned off the music. He offered a hand to Lukas, which he accepted and used to help pull himself up. Philip stumbled forward under his weight and Lukas grinned teasingly. He opened his mouth to comment but Philip cut him short with a diminutive “don’t”.

Lukas retrieved his backpack and the crap-phone from the ground. The two boys exited the barn and began the trek back to the house in silence.

When Philip opened the front door and entered the house before Lukas, he couldn’t help but feel as if they’d interrupted something. There was a live energy in the air, unmistakable raw emotion, and out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw Helen wipe her eyes while Gabe poured himself a drink at the kitchen table.

“Hi!” Helen welcomed them, but Philip had learned to detect faux-cheer when he was 5-years-old. “Lukas we have you set up down the hall in Philip’s old bedroom. Philip will be upstairs and there’ll be an agent right on the porch.”

Philip watched Lukas absorb this information but his eyes still looked somewhat distant. He nodded, “Okay. Thank you Mrs. Torrance—Sheriff—Torrance,” he corrected himself. Philip turned to lead him to his bedroom. Lukas turned to follow.

“And Lukas?” Helen called them back, “I’m having a sketch artist come work with you tomorrow so we can nail down what this guy really looks like.”

Philip’s eyes never left Lukas’, and it was for that reason only that he detected a note of panic in the boy’s expression. Helen must not have noticed though, because she did not press further when Lukas answered simply with “cool”. He turned and Philip quickly diverted his eyes.

“Good night,” Helen called to them as the two disappeared into the house.

Philip opened the bedroom door for Lukas and casually motioned him in. “The bathroom is the second door down the hall. Towels are in the first.” The boys made some kind of meaningful eye contact before Philip gently brushed past Lukas and headed up the stairs to his own room.

Philip kicked off his boots and fell into his bed. He hadn’t been seated ten seconds before his phone began to vibrate from where he had tossed it on the duvet. Knowing he had next to no friends, there were a limited number of people who could be calling him, especially at this hour. When he picked up the phone and saw the unknown number, he smiled to himself for a number of reasons. The first was _he has my number memorized_.

“Who’s this?” he teased after accepting the call.

“Hey. It’s me. I’m down here on the FBI phone,” Lukas’ hushed voice came over the receiver.

Philip suppressed a laugh, as if he couldn’t have guessed that. “Do you miss me already?”

“You gotta help me, Philip,” Lukas said, and the sudden seriousness of his tone wiped the smile right off Philip’s face.

“…Is it the nightmares again? Where you can see the guy’s face?”

“No. That’s the problem.”

A noise from downstairs started Philip and he looked out into the hallway from his bed. It had sounded like the screen door closing. Helen must have gone out again. Turning back to the phone, he whispered, “Um, just… hold on a second.”

Carefully and quietly, Philip hung up and lowered himself from his bed. He had not been in his new room long enough to learn all of the creaky floorboards and soft spots in the wood, but he was lucky enough to make it to the landing making minimal noise. Going down the stairs, however, he forgot that the third step to the bottom had a loose nail and felt it creak under his socked-foot. Cringing, he kept going, knowing total stealth was an impossibility anyway when you’re as uncoordinated as him.

Philip closed the distance to Lukas’ bedroom door as light-footed as possible and slipped inside, cracking the door behind him to avoid the noise of the door falling into the jam.

Lukas said nothing as Philip crawled over him to the opposite side of the bed and settled in, his eyes on him the entire time.

The two lay in silence for a while before Philip spoke up. “So you’re sure?”

“Yes,” Lukas affirmed anxiously. Philip glanced down at his hands, which were fidgeting with an antique pocket watch—the same one Lukas had tried to pawn that day in his father’s garage. “I—I know he’s after me but I can’t see him at all.”

Philip could tell that Lukas was overwhelmed. It was amazing how quickly he could go from the boy in the barn to this writhing ball of stress laying in bed next to him now. Maybe he was always the writing ball of stress. Maybe sometimes the writhing was just… slower. Hidden.

Philip sighed deeply. He had never shared what he was about to share with anyone… not even his own mother. But he felt like Lukas needed this.

“I used to… do this thing… whenever things got really bad back home. I would turn the sink on… and… close my eyes, and I would… pretend that I was under water. That I was floating in a pool or something at the bottom. It was all quiet, I was just… floating there. And I couldn’t hear anything. No one could get to me. No one could touch me. I was safe.”

At some point while he had been talking, Lukas’ hands stopped fidgeting. His gaze had slowly turned to watch Philip, and somehow Philip had ended up looking back at Lukas. The two looked deep into each other’s eyes. Philip saw the same pool that he would float in in his mind in the blue of Lukas’ eyes.

And then Lukas looked away. “Did it make things better?”

Philip looked at Lukas with an expression he tried hard to make look sarcastic. “No,” he sighed, “No, but it made me forget how bad things were.”

Lukas sighed as well. “I still can’t remember anything. When that sketch artist comes tomorrow, what am I gonna say? What am I gonna say? They’ll think I’m an asshole.”

“There’s nothing from all those nightmares you had?” Philip pressed, hoping to help in some way, any way, to keep Lukas from suffering like this.

“The gun was always covering his face,” Lukas’ voice broke on the last word, with it breaking Philip’s heart. He pushed himself closer to Lukas and rested his face into his shoulder, draping his hand across his chest. He felt Lukas’ hand brush his arm comfortingly, as if Philip were the one going through the crisis right now. Philip found himself thinking that there was more to Lukas’ heart than people realized.

Lukas went back to fiddling with the watch in his hand. _11:48._ His father seemed to believe there was some kind of luck attached to the thing. _I should get the battery replaced so maybe it’ll actually be worth something, functional at the very least_ , he thought.

When the two of them made it through whatever was coming, Lukas figured he might finally appreciate the true meaning of luck.


	5. Surprises

Saturday morning brought sunshine and a crisp chill. Lukas awoke when a shadow crossed his eyelids, the silhouette of the FBI agent pacing the porch cast across the window blinds. His left arm was warm and numb—Philip’s head was still resting on his shoulder, but his eyes were open and staring.

Lukas twitched when Philip’s hair tickled his cheek, making the latter boy blink and look up at him. “How did you sleep?”

Lukas shrugged vaguely. Philip’s eyes asked the question he dared not ask aloud. _Did you see his face?_

Lukas shook his head almost imperceptibly. His eyes landed on the pocket watch, still in his lap. _11:48_. Lukas hoped it was actually that late in the day. Any excuse to spend the rest of the day in bed with Philip. Philip’s heavy eyelids fell and Lukas felt him exhale on his bare chest.

From the bedside table, the disposable FBI phone began to vibrate. Philip rolled off of Lukas when he sat up to reach for the phone. He flipped it open, making Philip smirk, and put it to his ear.

“Hello? …Hey, dad.” Lukas’ eyes scanned the room randomly while he listened to the voice on the other end of the line. “Yeah… No, no problems… The FBI never left, so… Oh. Okay. Cool. Yeah, I’ll be over in a few… Bye.”

Philip had been watching Lukas during the short conversation. “Your dad?” He asked.

“He says he has a surprise for me. To make up for being on lockdown until this all blows over.”

“A surprise, huh?” Philip was smiling. “What could that be?”

Lukas thought. “Honestly… I don’t know. He’s never surprised me with anything before.”

Lukas got up to get dressed. Philip remained on the bed, watching him slip a fresh long sleeve over his head. “You’re coming, aren’t you?” Lukas asked as he rolled his sleeves up past the elbow.

Philip was taken aback. Lukas had never willingly invited Philip anywhere he knew there might be the possibility of his father being. Philip knew that it caused Lukas an immeasurable amount of stress to think his father might suspect him of being too close to Philip.

“Philip,” Lukas said, recalling his attention, “Come on,” he pled.

Philip shook his head submissively. “Okay,” he sighed, still rather confused. He groaned as he got up from the bed, his best effort to make it look like a chore to tag along with Lukas. It worked. Lukas jokingly punched his arm, grinning widely.

Philip hid a timid smile. Maybe Lukas had really meant what he’d said in the barn the night before.

* * *

 

“It’s probably a flat screen TV or something,” Philip offered, leaning up against an enormous tractor tire in the Waldenbecks’ barn. Lukas’ father had sent them out there to await Lukas’ surprise.

“Why do you say that?” Lukas asked. The whole drive to his house in the back of the FBI agent’s truck, he had been giddy with anticipation. He was still smiling now.

“Because you’re still locked up in your house, right? And you’re not allowed to use the Internet or anything; he probably figures he needs to keep you occupied with something. Or else you’ll be spending too much time with me. Gotta drive the gay thoughts away,” Philip added, making Lukas blush and laugh out loud. It was a refreshing sound. “I’m just saying, man…”

“How do you know, seriously?” Lukas laughed.

“I don’t know. What else could it be?” Philip found himself laughing as well. From behind Lukas, he saw Bo Waldenbeck appear in the barn door, Agent Davis by his side. Lukas had his back to the opening, so he didn’t see the admittedly beautiful bike that Mr. Waldenbeck was walking. “Oh… there’s your dad,” Philip pointed.

“Lukas!” His father called, making Lukas whirl around. He froze for a split second, seeing the bike with disbelieving eyes.

“What?” He asked incredulously. “What! Whoa! Dad--” And this time, he ended on a note of laughter, running over to meet his father halfway. Philip leaned back and smiled as he watched Lukas take the bike from his dad.

“Enjoy it, son,” Bo said, nodding him off. Lukas took the dismissal and ran the bike back into the barn, straight over to Lukas, almost like a child looking for approval. Philip knew next to nothing about motocross, even after spending so many weeks on the back of a bike with Lukas, but even he knew that this bike was something special.

“This bike is insane,” Philip said, giving it a thorough once-over under Lukas’ watchful eyes.

This was apparently the response he was looking for. “Yeah. Yeah, savage, dude—it’s a 250 two-stroke. It’s got twice the power.”

Philip, knowing first-hand the acceleration of Lukas’ old bike, was impressed. He blew breath between his teeth and shook his head perceptively. “You think you could jump the water with this thing?”

Lukas looked at him with the first hints of excitement in his eyes. He had been practicing to jump the water on his old bike for months but could never get enough momentum to make the full distance. Philip had been filming him, watching his progress the whole time. Now, he nodded ambitiously. “Hell yeah, I can. Oh my God, that would kill on my reel.”

Now, not only could Lukas make the jump, but with all of his practice he could do it with flying colors. “Oh, yeah,” Philip affirmed, nodding.

“Let’s go,” Lukas said, almost as if he were looking for permission.

“Okay. Let’s go,” Philip said with a smile. Personally he was excited for an excuse to ride with Lukas again, to film him again, just like back when things had been normal between them.

Philip picked up their helmets off of Lukas’ old bike and followed him out of the barn. As they were leaving, Agent Davis cut them off, her voice pressed. “Whoa, you guys cool?”

“Yeah—“ Lukas started, but she continued talking, cutting him off.

“Helen’s gonna be here in ten minutes with the sketch artist,” she said, holding her hand out as if to stop them from going any further.

“Can we practice a couple of jumps? It’s right over that hill,” Lukas asked her outright. It was clear that he was feeling some cabin fever, his hands wringing the handles of the new bike eagerly. Philip saw these things—Kamilah did not.

She looked in the direction that Lukas had motioned and hesitated. “Yeah, I don’t feel comfortable letting you do that.”

Lukas closed his eyes patiently and when he reopened them, he tried again, adding more of a desperate tone to his request. “Just one jump, please?”

Agent Davis watched him carefully. Philip could see the gears turning behind her eyes. “Okay, one jump, be back here in ten minutes,” she relented.

Lukas sighed with relief and immediately the two boys jumped into action before she could change her mind. “Thank you,” Lukas said, throwing a leg over the bike and falling onto it comfortably. He started it up with ghost familiarity and the engine turned over excitedly. Philip handed him his helmet before putting on his own and getting onto the bike behind Lukas. He wrapped his arms around his waist and let his legs fall parallel to Lukas’.

The routine was habitual. In a moment, they were off.


	6. Slow Motion: An Overrated Cinematic Technique

Lukas had missed riding more than he had realized. With everything that had been going on, his sponsorship and all that it entailed was the last thing on his mind, but the moment he felt the bike lurch beneath him, he felt that familiar rush in his blood.

It was only after he stopped at the bank and let Philip off that he realized it was more than just riding that he had missed. The bike felt heavier without Philip, unmovable, empty, and unfinished. Or maybe it was just Lukas who felt that way.

“Whoa,” Philip exclaimed, reaching up to remove his helmet and turning to Lukas in excitement. “The sky looks so good.”

Lukas watched as Philip ran to the natural ramp that would serve as Lukas’ landing space and knelt down, scanning the area and looking back at Lukas. “Yeah, I think I can get all of your air from here!” he called.

Lukas was glad Philip couldn’t see him smiling like an idiot under his helmet. He revved the engine and pressed the accelerator to head off around the water to the opposite bank. He had to gain enough speed to lead up to the jump, but given the power of his new bike, he wasn’t overly concerned. There was room enough for him to show off a bit in front of Philip.

As Lukas sped off, Philip situated himself so that the frame on his phone included both sides of the bank. He would have to track Lukas’ jump, but he wouldn’t have to work the angle at all—it was a perfect crop without having to edit.

Looking up from his phone, he could see Lukas doing donuts on the other side of the water a little ways away from the ramp. Philip laughed and shook his head at the headass antics that boy would pull after only a day of the equivalent of being under house arrest. When he saw Lukas’ helmet face his direction after a particularly loud gun of the engine, Philip buried his face in the crook of his arm. Lukas was doing it to impress him. _As if he needed to._

Suddenly, Lukas took off around the corner and behind a berm, disappearing from Philip’s view. He took this as his queue to start filming and quickly brought his phone around to find Lukas when he appeared on the other side of the berm, heading towards the ramp. The closer he got, the more limited the frame became. Afraid of missing the jump, Philip stood and backed up a few steps just as Lukas started into the ramp.

The gunshot was loud and disorienting. Neither of them realized what it was. Lukas panicked at the thought of his brand new bike backfiring on the first jump, in mid-air nonetheless. Out of the corner of his eye, in the very edge of his helmet’s allowed field of vision, he saw Philip stumble back, his arm aiming his phone wavering slightly. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, but then, it always did when the jump was a good one.

Lukas landed the jump with ease, but the lack of difficulty did nothing to damper the exhilaration. Lukas stuck out a foot and fishtailed and turned his bike back towards Philip to celebrate with him. Even from 20 yards away, the two boys locked eyes just in time for Lukas to watch Philip sink to his knees. A stain of scarlet was rapidly spreading from the right side of his chest.

“Philip?” Lukas called, but it was muffled by the sound of his bike clanking to the ground. Lukas was running and pulling his helmet off and screaming and tripping and—and—and—

Lukas fell to his knees and skidded to Philip’s side just in time to catch his torso as he fell backwards, landing him into Lukas’ chest rather than the dirt. “Philip, look at me,” Lukas yelled, putting a hand under the boy’s chin to hold his head from lolling to one side or the other. “Look at me!”

Philip’s eyes, which had been closing slowly, suddenly reopened, but there was no alertness there. Philip’s hand weakly grabbed Lukas’ wrist, his fingers cold. Lukas found his other hand on Philip’s chest, pressing on what appeared to be the source of the bloodstain. Lifting his hand for only a moment, he saw the blood continue to seep through the fabric and he quickly pressed back down, pretending he hadn’t seen it at all.

Philip was heavy in his lap, a strange weight that seemed heavier than any of the other times Philip had leaned on him. He wasn’t a particularly heavy kid to begin with but this was… _don’t think it, don’t even think it—_

Dead weight.

“Lukas!” Lukas didn’t take his eyes from Philip’s. He could hear Kamilah Davis sprinting down the hill towards them. Philip’s eyes were unresponsive. Kamilah was at his side. Philip’s eyes were glassy. Kamilah was lifting up Philip’s shirt. Philip’s eyes were closing.

“ _Philip!_ ” Lukas screamed. He shook Philip’s face until his eyes blinked open once again.

“Lukas, what happened?” Agent Davis was asking him, but Lukas didn’t hear her. Or maybe he did. Philip’s eyes were so deep. So kind. “What happened, Lukas? Where did the gunshot come from?” Agent Davis was on her phone now.

“Gunshot…? There was… My bike… backfired…” Lukas was searching Philip’s face. A trace of a smile. A crease in his brown. The pulse in his jaw. Anything. _Give me anything._ Philip’s eyes were still.

“This is Agent Kamilah Davis, I’m at the Waldenbeck residence about thirteen miles outside of town, we have a 17-year-old with a single gunshot wound to the upper torso…”

“Don’t look at me like that, Phil… C’mon, we’ve gotta go back to school and tell everyone about how we were in witness protection this whole time, they’ll think we’re so cool…” Lukas stopped. _No._ I—I _was in witness protection. Philip… no one even knew he was at the cabin. No one except the killer. And me._

“Oh, my God. This is my fault…” Philip’s eyes were closing. “Philip. _Philip!_ ” His eyes did not reopen.

“Kamilah,” Lukas looked up at her desperately, acknowledging her for the first time. She held her hand out to signal for him to shut up—she was still on the phone.

Lukas pulled Philip closer to him, wrapping his arms under the smaller boy’s armpits and hefting him up to rest his chin on the top of his head. There were drops of blood on Philip’s Red Wing boots, a gift from Helen and Gabe when he had first moved in with them. There was blood pooling in the dirt around them, the same dirt they’d sat in and reviewed Philip’s footage for hours on end. There was blood on Lukas. The same Lukas that Philip had been stupid enough to fall in love with. The same Lukas that had abused Philip for the better part of the school year. The same Lukas that had betrayed Philip’s trust, tormented Philip for nothing, tarnished Philip’s nonexistent reputation at school, the same Lukas that had loved Philip since the first moment he saw him and did nothing about it.

Philip’s eyes were closed. Philip’s hand was limp on Lukas’ wrist.


	7. Flashback: An Underrated Literary Device

_“This all?”_

_“And a pack of Marlboro’s, please.”_

_The boy collected his purchases: two boxes of camera film, a pack of cigarettes, and a cheap pair of ear buds. He handed the cashier a twenty dollar bill and bounced on the balls of his feet, looking around absently, while he waited for his change. The slight curls in his hair bounced along as well, Lukas noticed._

_The boy nodded his thanks to the cashier and stuffed his change in the pocket of his bomber jacket. Walking out of the convenience store, he dug a box of film out of the plastic bag and opened it up. Lukas saw him coming and quickly moved out of sight, leaning inconspicuously against the wall beside the glass doors. The boy backed into the door to let himself out, his head now buried in the camera that was slung around his neck. He was inserting the new roll of film._

Do it. Just fucking do it, moron— _“Hey,” Lukas said, realizing too late he probably should have cleared his throat. He did it now._ Smooth.

_The boy turned around, surprised. After a moment of Lukas just looking at him, he must have figured he was indeed being spoken to. There was no one else around. Precisely why Lukas had chosen today to follow him here._

_“Hey,” the kid replied. After a second, he made to go back to fiddling with his camera and started to walk away._

_“You, um… you like taking pictures?” Lukas called._

_The boy turned back around and Lukas noticed a small scar on his forehead that showed up when he creased his brow._ Cute, _he thought, and then_ stop.

_There was a click as the small door to the compartment that held the film in the boy’s camera closed. “Yeah. Why?”_

_“Nothing, no reason. That’s just… It’s cool. Most people just… use their phones, or… whatever.”_

_“Yeah, well I have one of those too. I am most people.”_

_This wasn’t going as easily as Lukas had thought it would. The boy was walking away again. “Why use that one then?” He nodded to the camera around his neck when the boy turned around._

_He seemed pensive for a moment. “I don’t know. The pictures turn out better.”_

_“Better how?” Lukas asked. The kid was far away now, so Lukas moved away from the shelter of the wall and started walking towards him._

_“Better… like… I don’t know. More intimate, I guess?”_

_“Intimate?” Lukas started to laugh, but stopped when he saw the skeptical raise of an eyebrow. “I’m not really a… photography kind of guy. Don’t have an eye for it.”_

_“You don’t say,” the boy was looking down at his camera._

_“I’m into motocross. I don’t know if you’ve heard of me but I'm this town’s version of the American Hero. I’m working towards a sponsorship. Pretty damned close to one, too.”_

_“That’s… cool,” the boy wasn’t looking at his camera anymore, but he refused to make eye contact._

_“The only way I’ll get any sponsor’s attention is with my YouTube account. You know, my girlfriend films all of my stuff,” Lukas added. He emphasized Rose’s importance in the matter._

_“Really cool. I hope you get a… sponsorship?”_

_That seemed like it was about to be the end of the conversation._ Say something _, Lukas was panicking._ Say something now!

_“She’s not very good though,” he said quickly, almost too quickly—it sounded incomprehensible. “I mean, her hand isn’t very steady. She’s all over the place. Never catches any of my whips,” the boy just kind of looked at him. “Are you into motocross?”_

_“Uh… yeah. Yeah, I’m into it. Your whips? She’s never filmed a single one?”_

_“Not well, anyway. And those things aren’t easy,” Lukas added impressively. The two boys were quiet for a moment. “How good are you?”_

_The boy’s deep brown eyes slowly found their way to Lukas’._ Shit. That probably sounded suggestive.

_“With a camera? Filming?”_

_“Oh! Oh… pretty okay, I guess. Fine.”_

_“Cool.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_More silence. “Would you maybe want to come out and film some of my jumps sometime?”_

_The boy looked up at him. He was tall. Not taller than Lukas, but… a good height._ His forehead would be easy to kiss— _stop, Lukas thought._

_“Uh… yeah, I could do that. Why not?”_

_“Sweet. I’ll call you?”_

_“Yeah. Sounds good,” the boy said, and then finally, “Philip.” He held out a hand._

_“Lukas,” and Lukas grabbed it. They shook._

_Philip nodded kindly with a timid smile and turned away, heading towards a bike leaning up against a streetlamp on the other side of the parking lot. Lukas was watching him go, impressed with himself and how he’d managed this premeditated situation when—_

_Suddenly, Philip turned back around and started walking straight towards him._ Shit. Fuck. He saw me staring, _Lukas thought._

_“I um. I didn’t give you my number,” Philip said awkwardly, and he bit his bottom lip nervously._

Cute. _ENOUGH. “Right, sorry, here—“ Lukas pulled out his phone and opened a new contact form for Philip to fill in. He handed the phone over to him. Lukas stood awkwardly as he waited for his phone back._

_“Here. Thanks,” Philip held his phone out. When Lukas retrieved it, their fingers brushed. Lukas cleared his throat and pulled his hand back in abruptly, looking down at the contact as if inspecting it to ensure it was in fact Philip’s number._

_“Looks good. I’ll give you a call,” Lukas said professionally, not looking back up._

_“I guess I’ll hear from you then,” Philip said. He turned and walked away. Lukas did not look back up from his phone until he heard the sound of Philip’s bike tires disappear down the road._

* * *

Looking into the hospital room through the wire glass window, Philip’s deep brown eyes were closed. The small scar on his brow was obscured from vision due to the position of the breathing tube. His dark curls had been pushed back and were slick with sweat. Lukas wanted nothing more than to kiss his forehead, just as he had once thought would be impossible.

But Philip was not okay. And a kiss would not heal him.


	8. Honesty

Lukas tried hard to keep his hands from shaking as he trailed his fingers up and down Philip’s arm. His stomach was empty; his head was fuzzy; Philip still had not woken up.

“That FBI agent can take you home whenever you’re ready, son,” Bo Waldenbeck had told Lukas outside of Philip’s room, before he had been allowed visitors. Lukas’ gaze never strayed from the figure in the hospital bed.

“I’m not ready.”

His dad had left him alone after that. It was clear that he did not want to stay at the hospital, but he was hesitant to leave Lukas alone after what had happened.

Lukas still had not encountered Helen and Gabe. He would hear their voices down the hall and disappear into the restroom or a supply closet until he figured they had gone. Gabe was visibly upset. Helen was as stony as ever.

Honestly, Lukas didn’t know how to explain anything to them. How could he tell Helen that he had not only identified the wrong suspect, but he had completely failed to tell her that Philip had witnessed the whole thing as well?

At this point, Lukas figured he had pretty much already outed himself. Even before he had been allowed into Philip’s room, he knew that he had appeared unresponsive and distant any time anyone had questioned him. Kamilah had only managed to get the basics out of him, enough to call an investigative team to search the area in the direction the shot had come from.

To say the least, it was clear Lukas was upset.

Now, Lukas buried his face in the Philip’s arm, careful to avoid the numerous tubes and IVs coming from every angle. He turned his head and looked down Philip’s forearm, using his fingers to trace the veins down to his hand. He hadn’t been ready to talk before. But he was ready now.

“I’m sorry, Philip,” Lukas whispered into his skin. It was all he could say.

 _Would you stop apologizing? I get it. I understand._ He had said those words to Lukas only yesterday. And Lukas had stopped. He realized now that he shouldn’t have. A lifetime of apologies would never be enough.

“Lukas?”

Lukas looked up to see Sherriff Torrance entering the room. She closed the door softly behind her.

Lukas slowly sat up in his chair and brushed his hair out of his face. “Sherriff Torrance,” he acknowledged.

She didn’t say anything else; just pulled up a chair and sat opposite of Lukas with Philip between them. The two were quiet for several minutes. Maybe an hour. It felt to Lukas as if she knew he wanted to say something and was waiting until he was ready. He appreciated that.

Lukas cleared his throat. Helen didn’t move. “I love Philip,” Lukas said softly.

After a moment: “I know.”

Lukas looked from Philip’s face to hers. He honestly hadn’t expected that. Why it came as a surprise, he wasn’t sure—Helen had known Philip was gay, so it shouldn’t have come as a shock to Lukas that she may have suspected something.

“Everything I did… all of it… I want to say it was to protect us. To protect _him_. But it wasn’t,” Lukas started. Now Helen was looking at him. He could see she was starting to feel confused. “It was all to protect myself. And I-I _hate_ myself for it. I’m ready to start protecting him now.” 

“Okay,” Sherriff Torrance said simply. She shifted slightly to face him. Her hand was on Philip’s. “Okay. I’m listening.”

Lukas swallowed. Finally. _Finally_ he was about to give the full and honest truth.

“Philip was there that night. At the cabin. We were there… together,” out of the corner of his eye he could see Helen reacting, but he kept his eyes on Philip’s face. His eyelashes. His scar. His lips, parted by the breathing tube. “We had gone there to check out the footage of me he had shot that day and have a couple of beers. We ended up… doing some stuff. We were in the middle of doing stuff when the guys rolled up and interrupted us, so we hid. Philip was under the bed the entire time, he saw everything. And the killer—he saw Philip. He never actually saw me,” Lukas could hear himself talking faster and faster, but there was no stopping now.

“I was scared and I guess I wasn’t thinking straight. Philip kept telling me that telling you about the murders wouldn’t look suspicious but I was just so afraid of… you know… people thinking stuff about me. Stuff that… turned out to be true anyway,” Lukas rubbed the back of Philip’s hand.

“Philip kept my stupid secret because he cared about me. He wanted to keep me safe when… the whole time, it should have been the other way around.”

Lukas slowly turned his gaze to Helen. She didn’t move, didn’t say anything. After a moment, she stood up and walked to the door. Her hand rested on the handle for a second before she let herself out.

Lukas heard himself crying rather than feeling it.

* * *

After two days of Philip walking the line between life and death, his doctor finally declared him stable but could not say exactly when, or if, he would wake up.

Kamilah was positioned outside of Philip’s door now. This was a good situation, seeing as Lukas rarely left the room. Helen had barely spoken to Lukas since his confession, but she thanked him for his honesty at one point and promised that Philip would have his own detail as soon as he was released from the hospital. She sounded optimistic that he would make it that far.

Lukas spent most of the time talking to Philip; despite knowing he couldn’t hear him. The nurses had removed his breathing tube, so the noise of the ventilator was no longer there to hide the sound of their one-way conversations.

On Tuesday morning, Lukas was seated in his usual chair at Philip’s bedside, his feet propped up and resting on the end of the bed while he fiddled with his pocket watch. _11:48_. _Would you look at that? It’s actually 11:48. Even a broken watch is right twice a day._ He had learned very quickly that daytime television was a pathetic way to spend the day, but for a few hours or so he was sometimes able to find something entertaining. Family Feud was on.

“That was the most idiotic answer I think I’ve ever seen on this history of this show,” Lukas said allowed. “It’s almost like these people aren’t human, ya know? What human being can’t name a fruit with a lot of seeds?” And then, as if to prove that he were human, Lukas began listing fruits: “Definitely not a coconut, that’s for sure. I’m pretty sure those are just one big seed… But there are strawberries; those have all those seeds on the outside. Oranges—can’t take a single bite out of those fuckers without getting a mouthful of seeds… cantaloupe? I don’t know…”

Lukas was still talking about fruit when he felt the brush of Philip’s fingers on his hand holding the pocket watch. Quickly, he stopped and looked down. Philip’s hand was sliding slowly into his own. Lukas dropped the pocket watch and held onto Philip’s hand like it could save his life.

A faint smile was making its way onto Philip’s face, but his eyes remained closed. Lukas was eager for them to open, to see their familiar playful glint that he had been so afraid of never seeing again; he didn’t want to remember Philip with eyes as dead as they had been when he had been holding him in his arms.

“Are you talking about fruit?” Philip’s voice was raspy and exhausted.

“No, of course not. What are you on?” Lukas joked, dropping his feet to the floor and shifting to sit at the edge of his chair.

Philip sighed heavily. “Nothing, I hope.”

“Yeah right, they have you on every painkiller known to man.”

“Well shit. Don’t tell my mom that,” Philip breathed, tilting his chin back slightly to stretch his neck.

“Philip, look at me,” Lukas said, suddenly serious. He was getting impatient.

Philip frowned; creasing the same scar Lukas had noticed when they’d first met. Slowly, his eyes opened and he met Lukas’ gaze. Lukas felt his blood warm in his veins. There was warmth in Philip’s eyes. Love.

“I’m sorry,” Lukas found himself saying once again.

Philip rolled his eyes weakly and closed them again, “Will you please shut up?” he whispered.

“No. I got you shot. This is my fault,” Lukas choked.

“Is that what happened?” Philip asked, “I thought your jump was so bad I had an instant heart attack.”

Lukas couldn’t help but laugh. “More like you saw how hot I looked on that bike and your heart just couldn’t take it.”

“In your dreams,” Philip muttered, stroking Lukas’ fingers in his hand.

 _Every night_ , Lukas thought.

“I’ll go get Helen, I told her everything—“ Lukas said, starting to stand up, but Philip’s hand tightened slightly.

“Wait, can we—can we just chill here? For a second.”

Lukas looked down at him. His eyes were open again, pleading. “Yeah. Yeah, okay,” Lukas sat back down and leaned his elbows on Philip’s bed, watching him carefully, and smiled.

Philip looked back at him sleepily.

“Turn this shit television off, Richard Dawson is the only Family Feud host.”


	9. Times

Philip wanted to stay awake and Lukas could tell. Later that day, Lukas brought in Helen and Gabe and left them for some time alone with Philip. When Lukas had returned he saw that what had ensued was likely something of an interrogation and it had wiped him of energy. The rest of the day, Lukas rested his head on Philip’s leg while the two of them talked, but every once and a while he caught Philip drifting off.

Lukas figured he should let the kid sleep despite wanting to wake him up to keep talking, so he wouldn’t say anything when he noticed Philip dozing. Philip, on the other hand, would wake himself up after only a few minutes and rasp “what?” as if he’d been awake the whole time and only stopped paying attention for a moment.

Lukas would smile and reply with a short “nothing” and they would strike up a conversation about something new.

It had happened that Lukas was convinced Philip was asleep for good at last when out of nowhere, Philip spoke quietly, scaring the life out of Lukas. “Do you remember the first time you let me ride on the back of your bike?”

Lukas looked up at Philip. The sun was setting and the room was getting dark, but Lukas could see Philip’s eyes were closed, a peaceful smile on his lips. His skin looked pale even next to the white of the pillowcase.

“Yeah,” Lukas mumbled, his words muffled by the arm he was leaning his chin into. “You freaked out.”

“I didn’t… freak out. I was caught off-guard,” Philip said defensively.

“Yeah, okay,” Lukas grinned. “I didn’t tell you at the time, but that was kind of a dead giveaway that you were clueless about motocross.”

“What?” Philip exclaimed and his voice broke, squinting his eyes open and looking down at Lukas. “You let me lead you on that long when the whole time you knew I was a fraud.”

“It was cute,” Lukas said. The voice inside his head didn’t reprimand him for thinking that way anymore. It was refreshing.

“That’s embarrassing,” Philip said, but he was still smiling.

Lukas watched his bandaged chest rise and fall fragilely. “I can’t wait to ride up to school with your arms around my waist,” Lukas whispered.

Philip didn’t answer at first. Lukas thought maybe he had actually fallen asleep this time.

“I can’t wait for that, either,” Philip whispered back.

Lukas closed his eyes.

* * *

At 3:27 AM, Lukas awoke when he felt pressure on his fingers. The hospital room was lit only by the dim light from the hallway coming through the window, but it was light enough to see Philip’s eyes were open and his hand was clasped tightly around Lukas’.

“Philip?” Lukas asked sleepily, raising his head. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t breathe,” he wheezed, his hand moving from Lukas’ to grasp his arm.

“Should I call someone? I’m gonna call some—“

“No, it’s fine… the bandages are probably just too tight. Help me sit up?”

Lukas was skeptical, but he stood and leaned over Philip, letting him use his arm for leverage to pull himself into a sitting position. 

“Better?” Lukas asked, concerned.

“Better,” Philip replied, rubbing his chest tenderly.

“Should I… I should get someone,” Lukas said decidedly.

“Shut up,” Philip rasped. He scooted over to one side of the bed to make room for Lukas. “Sleep with me.”

Lukas tried hard to keep from smirking in the seriousness of the situation. “Would it be better if I… did something with this thing?” he asked, picking up the remote to the bed settings.

Philip hesitated a moment before agreeing. “Can you sit the back up a little bit?”

Lukas pressed buttons that messed with the bed controls for a good two minutes, making Philip laugh at his expense, until Lukas finally found the button to sit the head of the bed in a more upright position. Philip nodded him over. “Please?”

Lukas resignedly sat down on the bed and leaned back. Philip pressed himself close and laid his head on Lukas’ chest as Lukas rested his arm across Philip’s shoulders.

“I love you,” Philip sighed, a short-breathed sigh.

Lukas thought about that. After all Philip had gone through, all that Lukas had put him through, everything that had gone wrong or that Lukas had fucked up since their meeting, Philip still loved him. Lukas knew he didn’t deserve that love, almost like he didn’t deserve his mother’s love and all of it’s kindred innocence, the unconditionality of it. But just as he had accepted and cherished the love from his mother, he was grateful that Philip had not abandoned him.

“I love you, too,” Lukas whispered. Philip was already asleep.

* * *

 

At 7:16 AM, Lukas awoke to the sound of a soft cough. His arm was numb with pins and needles, but he had started to grow used to the feeling. It meant Philip had slept soundly. It was a comfort.

Lukas opened his eyes, squinting at the morning sunlight shining through the blinds. Looking down, he saw Philip rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Good morning,” Lukas said.

“’Morning,” Philip replied, looking up at him and smiling slightly.

Lukas closed his eyes contentedly. Helen and Gabe would be there shortly, probably his own father as well, and Kamilah would come to relieve the agent with the night shift by their door, but for now they were somewhat alone.

“Breakfast?” Lukas asked.

Philip stretched his left arm. His right arm stayed limp, favoring his still-sore chest. “Maybe later,” he said quietly. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Until you woke me up in the middle of the night, yeah,” Lukas teased.

“Tell me you don’t feel better after sleeping in an actual bed rather than hunched over in a chair,” Philip shot back.

“Eh…” Lukas joked, looking as if he were really thinking about it.

“Alright, fine. Get out then,” Philip laughed, making to push him out of the bed. “Off. You heard me.”

“Oh, so I’m a dog now?”

“You might as well be, only responding to simple commands,” Philip was really laughing now, still trying to push Lukas out of bed.

“No, no, I am a real human. I know that for a fact. You know how I know? Listen—listen!” he said, getting Philip’s attention and holding his hands down to keep from being pushed any more. “I am in fact a real human being. Because I can name fruits with lots of seeds.”

“You son of a bitch,” Philip broke out laughing and continued his plight to remove Lukas from his bed. Both boys were laughing hysterically by the time Lukas relented and fell back into his chair at Philip’s bedside. By the time Lukas had already caught his breath, however, Philip was still wheezing to regain his.

“You alright, man?” Lukas asked, trying to hide his concern with a few final chortles.

Philip cleared his throat to hide his shortness of breath. “Fine,” he smiled at Lukas, “just tired.”


	10. Luck

At 11:29, Helen left Philip’s hospital room with the promise that she’d be back right after she picked up the sketch artist from her motel room. Gabe had an appointment back at the house, so he had left about twenty minutes earlier.

Bo Waldenbeck had stopped by an hour before with a change of clothes for Lukas and a box of a dozen donuts for the two of them to share. When asked why there were only eleven in the box, he explained that he had tried warming up to one of the cute receptionists in the waiting room downstairs. Apparently it was to no avail, and at the expense of a lost donut.

In the area of ‘warming up’, Bo had started to become more and more taken with Philip. Maybe it was because it seemed to have been Philip who took a bullet in Lukas’ place, but Mr. Waldenbeck seemed to forget the notion that Philip was a bad influence.

After Helen left, taking the last of the donuts with her, Lukas and Philip were alone once again. They could hear Kamilah on the phone with her director outside the door.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually can’t wait to go back to school,” Philip said, watching Helen disappear down the hallway.

“Says the kid that told me school was his own personal hell,” Lukas laughed as he broke up the donut box.

Philip sat up in bed and crossed his legs Indian style. “You’re telling me. It’s just… I hate feeling like people are looking after me. At least school will feel somewhat normal.”

“That’s doubtful. You don’t know Tivoli when something like this happens,” Lukas said.

“And on top of it all, everyone will know you’re gay!” Philip whispered with mock excitement, his bright eyes wide and mouth gaping.

“Are you trying to scare me out of it? Again?” Lukas emphasized, but he was smiling.

“What do you think will be bigger news? That we were witnesses to a triple homicide, or that you’ve been fooling around with me ever since it happened?”

“I’ve never been good at these brain teaser things, but I would have to say—“ Lukas looked up when Philip suddenly clutched the bed sheets beside him. “What?”

Philip swallowed hard before shaking his head urgently. “I can’t—“ he started before coughing. It started almost as if he were clearing his throat but gradually became more severe.

“Philip?” Lukas said nervously. When Philip didn’t even look up from his coughing fit, Lukas reached up and pressed the call button without thinking twice.

Unsure of what to do, Lukas stood and put his hand on Philip’s back, rubbing soothingly. Philip was coughing hard and long, barely able to gasp in a breath before falling back into a wheeze. His knuckles were white as he grasped the sheets. And then, just as quickly as it started, it stopped. 

Philip choked for a moment, struggling to inhale, and slowly leaned back against the bed. Lukas grabbed his hand, expecting for Philip to squeeze the life out of it, but to his surprise Philip’s grip was weak. Looking from their hands back to Philip’s face, he saw a thin line of pink froth sliding down his cheek from the corner of his mouth.

The room was suddenly full of life—Lukas was being pushed out of the way by a nurse. Two other nurses were shining a light in Philip’s eyes and inserting IVs, another was placing a mask over his face.

Lukas wanted to ask what was happening, but no words would come out. Just a moment ago everything had been fine. He had Philip back. He was never going to let Philip go. And now—

“Lapsing into acute respiratory distress, call Dr. Powell,” one of the nurses called and another disappeared out of the room. Lukas was suddenly taken by the arm and led out of the room, causing him to find his voice.

“What’s happening? Is he okay?” Lukas asked, struggling to turn around to see Philip.

“He’s experiencing noncardiogenic pulmonary edema. You can’t be in here,” the nurse sounded gruff and his words made no sense to Lukas at all, but he was now being pushed out into the hallway where Kamilah was watching on intently. She seemed to be asking the same question as Lukas, but the nurse was ignoring her due to Lukas’ sudden outburst.

“I’m not leaving him,” he stated, pulling his arm out of the nurse’s grasp and standing defiantly in the doorway.

“What he needs right now is medical help and I can’t do that if I’m babysitting you,” the nurse stood his ground, blocking Philip from view.

“I’m not a child, I don’t need to be babysat, just let me stay with him!”

“Professionally I cannot allow you to do that,” the nurse said, starting to sound impatient. He put his hands on Lukas’ shoulders and started to drive him out of the doorway when Kamilah suddenly stretched her arm across the door jam. The nurse looked at her, surprised.

“Let him stay in the room. I’ll watch him.”

The nurse began to protest, but Kamilah glared at him. Lukas’ eyes were begging.

“You can stay in the room. But stay _out of the way_ ,” the nurse clarified.

“Fine,” Lukas agreed. He pushed past the nurse and into the room, Kamilah following close behind.

Being in the room did nothing to calm Lukas’ nerves, however. Everything was moving so quickly and, at the same time in slow motion, and he could barely see Philip amongst the bustle of the nurses. The doctor arrived not long after he was called and began giving orders to the nurses, but Lukas couldn’t understand any of them. At some point Philip was hooked up to an EKG and the room was filled with the mechanic sound of his heartbeat.

Lukas watched on anxiously as the nurses worked around Philip, injecting him with drugs and taking his pulse, speaking a language Lukas wished he understood.

“Blood pressure rising, 170/90,” one of the nurses barked.

“Get that under control,” the doctor ordered while he measured liquid into a syringe.

Lukas felt himself sliding down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He was too shocked to fully comprehend what was happening. His mind was running through the last few minutes, trying to figure out if he had done something wrong. All he could see was Philip’s eyes when he laughed, the way he crossed his arms when he was frustrated and bit his lip when he was thinking, the laughter lines and the crinkle in his nose Lukas saw when he caught Philip slipping on his usual stoic demeanor.

He saw Philip running down the lawn at Helen and Gabe’s toward the dirt road where Lukas would be waiting by his bike with Philip’s helmet under his arm. He saw the excitement in Philip’s eyes when Lukas would take his hand in the schoolyard for the first time. He saw the confused looks and averted eyes and heard the whispers of the people he had gone to school with for the last 17 years, and he didn’t care. For the first time in his life, Lukas Waldenbeck was proud, not prideful.

Philip Shea had been Lukas’ path to redemption.

There was a sudden extended beep from the EKG. “Going into cardiac arrest,” one of the nurses informed.

“What?” Lukas said softly. He felt Kamilah looking down at him.

“Can I get a defibrillator?” the doctor asked calmly.

“What?” Lukas said a bit more forcefully. He pushed himself up and began to walk over to the bed, but Kamilah grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “No, _stop!_ ” he screamed at her, but she placed herself in front of him and pinned him to the wall. “ _Philip!_ ”

“Ready for shock,” the nurse who had tried directing Lukas out of the room shot him a glare over his shoulder.

“Clear,” the doctor called.

Philip’s chest jerked at an uneasy angle and Lukas’ stomach flipped. The room froze for a fraction of a second. “No response.”

“Philip,” Lukas begged, his voice a whisper.

“Again,” the doctor said. “Clear.”

The defibrillator charged and shocked again. This time Lukas closed his eyes when Philip’s chest jumped off the bed. Another pause.

“No response,” the nurse said again.

Lukas saw the doctor swallow. “Again. Clear.”

The sound of the machine charging. The sound of the shock. The sound of Philip’s body falling back onto the bed.

The sound of the flat line on the EKG.

“No response.”

The sound of silent contemplation.

“Calling it,” the doctor said.

Lukas’ eyes fell on Philip. His lips, the lips he had waited so long to kiss in front of everyone, were blue. The face that he couldn’t wait to see smile when Lukas loved him openly for everyone to see was pale, blank. Philip’s eyes were closed.

“Time of death: 11:48 AM.”


End file.
